Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
