You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
