3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
