omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
