I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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