she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
