at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
