Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
