So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
