Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
