we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
