i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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