pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My penis needs a shock collar
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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