and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
