Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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