You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm getting married
To pizza
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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