just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
