The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
