I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
