i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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