You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize