I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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