So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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