Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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