i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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