I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
