youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
