Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i think i have two assholes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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