Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize