If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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