rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
