He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize