I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
