Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
