I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
