Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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