Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize