i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
