neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
