my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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