OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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