why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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