I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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