Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
