Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I touched a dick in church today
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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