I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
All the doctor said was why
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
