My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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