I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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