Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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