So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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