so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
