i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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