I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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