I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
