I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
