dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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