I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize