I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
