I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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