I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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