It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
