when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
