I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She tied me up with her honor cords...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
