woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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